WEAKLY RETORT: WEEK 9

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

Introduction:

This is seriously driving me crazy because I am sick once again. I don’t know if it is giraffe flu, OU812 virus or just an old-fashioned cold, but my head is a fountain of crud (and I am not referring to this column), I feel like I have been hit by a truck (small truck, like a Chevy S-10) and I am coughing up more worthless gunk than an episode of Two and a Half Men. So, given that I am apparently a human Petri dish, I am taking suggestions on how to boost my immune system. And no, I am not going to take the Chase Daniel route, regardless of what Dr. Friedrich Bischinger says. So, with that said, it’s time to run the pick and roll and go around the Big XII.

20/20 Hindsight:

Nebraska 20 - Baylor 10
The Cornhuskers scored all that the needed in the first half and then withstood the Baylor onslaught in the second half (if you consider 10 points to be an onslaught.) They did this on the arm of freshman Cody Green who was brought in to replace junior Zac Lee after the Nebraska offense hasn’t been able to do jack squat for two weeks. And it still wasn’t pretty as Green goes 12 of 21 for 128 yards and a pick, but it was enough to be the folks in green as the Bears just can’t seem to get anything going now that their star quarterback is out of the season and they are using the third stringer, or as they call them in Waco, “the chaperone” That doesn’t really make sense, but I am leaving it in.

Missouri 36 - Colorado 17
This one was over at halftime as the Tigers jumped out to a 33 – 3 lead and coasted to the finish giving up a pair of touchdowns to the Buffalos in the second half. In the first half, the Missouri defense was all over Colorado like mosquitoes on a me, sacking the non-nepotistic quarterback Tyler Hansen four times and holding the buffs to a mere 55 yards of offense. This had to leave a bad taste in the mouth of Dan Hawkins, kind of like one of those cheap fish oil Omega 3 capsules that doesn’t have the coating on it, as the Colorado fans began to chant for his firing. Then halftime came, and some stuff happened in the parking lot, and then by the second half, things were a lot more melllllloooowww.

Texas A&M 35 - Iowa State 10
Jerrod Johnson showed that he can continue to put up great numbers against teams that don’t have “Kansas” as part of their name, going a remarkable 23 of 28 for 234 yards and 3 touchdowns by air, and adding another touchdown with his legs. The Aggies balanced this with 267 yards on the ground, and converted a ridiculous 10 of 13 third downs, which led to the punter spending the entire game on the bench at a school known primarily for producing NFL-caliber punters. Hooray. The Aggies could have made this one look even worse, but decided to take four consecutive knees starting on the ISU 2 yard line. The men in maroon also extended their “not on TV” record to 5 -0, while hoping to get off of their 0 – 3 “on TV” schnide next week.

Texas Tech 42 - Kansas 21
This one certainly didn’t start off like a matchup of highly touted offenses, with both sides showing less ball control than Ruffin McNeil’s boxers on Steven Sheffield, and each side punting five times in the first half. This was highly unusual for Mike Leach who once went an entire season of NCAA 2009 on PS3 without ever punting. Doege had some trouble holding on to the ball and getting his rhythm, which can largely be attributed to the left tackle position, which, regardless of who is playing there, seems to take the role of “Matador” literally as he deftly eludes the oncoming pass-rusher, which is the exact opposite of you want happening from the guy protecting the quarterback’s blindside. I did have one reader email me during the game asking if it was normal that he really wanted to see Ruffin McNeil and Mark Mangino mud wrestle. Given that Mark Mangino is the reason that October was left blank in the “Coaches of the Big XII Swimsuit Calendar”, I assured him that he should seek therapy. But Tech showed why I was nervous during the A&M game the week before as they showed the ability to fire off 28 unanswered points in the fourth quarter to salt the game away.

Oklahoma 42 - Kansas State 30
Like a newborn lovechild of Steve Buscemi and Sandra Bernhardt,

this one was really ugly really early and so I turned it off. However, unlike the certain worst odds holder for being dubbed America’s Top Model, this one got substantially better as it went along. The Sooners jumped out to a 21 – 0 first quarter lead, on the way to a 28 – 9 lead at half time. But the Wildcats made the game interesting in the third, scoring two touchdowns to pull within five. The two teams traded scores early in the fourth quarter as the Sooners found the endzone (which was right where it always was) only to have KSU return the kickoff 98 yards to close the gap back to five. I think one of the saddest aspects of this game was that Kansas State had two PATs blocked. Those are supposed to be automatic.

Texas 41 - Oklahoma State 14
Many (myself included) thought this could be a trap game for the frequently slow starting Longhorns and that they would be lucky to tiptoe into Stillwater and sneak away with a win. But the burnt oranges made their presence known, and not just in a mint-on-the-pillow and pointy-arrow-on-the-toilet-paper kind of way, but a full on kick-in-the-door and party like Kid Rock on Skittles hotel-room-destroying kind of way. It looks like you can forget all of the nasty things I have said about the Longhorns and Colt McCoy (except the thing about him looking like a Furby), because they are finally starting to look like a team that has it all together.

Click here to continue reading...

Story courtesy of psychoag at www.raiderpower.com