WEAKLY RETORT: WEEK 7

It is a good thing I don’t gamble on sports, because otherwise I would be hanging upside-down from a balcony by a stereotype named “Guido”. My picks were particularly horrendous last week as I only got 2 of 6 right, and that wasn’t even picking against the spread.
Okay, I am going to take a detour here. Last night (Thursday), which is normally the night when I finish up The Retort, I spent most of it throwing up in my first ever non-Goldschlager induced vomiting. Never had a stomach bug before, so this was a new experience. Also a new experience was the feeling of Rosa’s fajitas (which I had covered in jalapenos) being ejected through my nasal cavity. Highly unpleasant, I can assure you, sort of like what I imagine tear gas feels like. At first, I thought God may have been playing a practical joke on me due to a joke a used in the Texas – OU write up. Then, I thought it was something I ate, but my four-year-old daughter had the same thing, and in the Venn diagram of things we both eat, there is only a faint sliver that overlaps, and it contains bananas, pizza and cookies, none of which was likely to be the cause of our distress. So, I can only conclude that it was a short acting stomach bug because I feel much better this morning. Assuming that neither of us is running a fever, we will be headed out to Lubbock this afternoon so that I can witness another event tomorrow evening that very well may induce the same response as the stomach bug. Just for fun, I am putting everything I wrote post-vomit in blue text, just to see if my writing style has differed. You will also get a chance to see just how much I jump around while I am writing this. So let’s grab our air sickness bags and get ready to barrel roll.

20/20 Hindsight:

Texas 16 - Oklahoma 13
We’ve come to expect classic matchups whenever the Horns and Sooners square off in Laura Miller’s Toilet. However, this was not one of them. Sam Bradford had his college career ended almost as soon as the game started due to his offensive line’s penchant for playing the role of a cape-waving matador, only without the part where they stab the defensive end with a sword. Or maybe it was the fact that the Longhorns could only ring up 269 total yards and the Sooners posted a jaw-dropping -16 yards rushing which means they would have been better off just spiking the ball. Perhaps it was the combined 21 penalties for 228 yards that gave this game the face only a mother could love. Still, my vote is the fact that between the two teams they coughed up more balls than a bulimic at a calf fry with Texas giving it away three times and the Sooners returning the favor five times of their own. There really isn’t much to say about this game other than the fact that Texas doesn’t yet appear to be a national championship contender, and could be the worst 6 – 0 team in history.

Oklahoma State 33 - Missouri 17
The OSU Cowboys continue to climb back up in the rankings, even with out Dez “You Lie!” Bryant hauling in passes for them. Missouri came out rolling, but couldn’t get anything going in the second half and failed to put up any more points. The Tigers piled up yards, but their 3 – 15 on third downs combined with four turnovers sealed their fate.

Texas Tech 31 - Nebraska 10
This game featured the two most confused looking coaches in the NCAA in Mike Leach and Bo Pelini. I can’t help but think that if you were telling a joke to the two of them that you would be compelled to back track and repeat the punchline about three times. You know, kind of like how Jay Leno tells EVERY joke. The Red Raiders didn’t stun everyone with their offense, the week after Sheffield throws for 490 yards and 7 TDs, but instead got it done by Ruffin the Quarterback (rock me) as McNeil’s defense totaled 5 sacks and held Air Husker to a single touchdown. If this Raider team can put the offense and defense together, not only will they create a word that will piss off my spell checker, but they can beat any team in the Big XII. I’m just praying that odfefense holds off for another week. Unfortunately for the Raiders it appears that Sheffield will be out with a broken foot, meaning the are going to be stuck playing their starter.

Colorado 34 - Kansas 30
Well this one was certainly an upset. Dan Hawkins did what my pony-league baseball coach never could, which was to pull his son for someone that could actually be effective. Tyler Hansen, not to be confused with Taylor Hanson the effeminate child MMMBop singer, took off his redshirt, put on a jersey and came out to lead the Buffaloes to a win over 17th ranked Kansas. The Buffalae scored 24 points in the second quarter and held on to win 34 – 30. I can only wonder how many Dorito’s were consumed in Boulder that night, both on the part of the celebrating Buffalo fans and Coach Mangino, who no doubt locked himself in his hotel room for an orange dust tinged pity party.

Iowa State 24 - Baylor 10
The Bears continue to suffer through their backup quarterback woes, this time allowing Iowa State up off the mat with their first Big XII win since 2007. The one time starter Blake Szymanski, whose name would totally tear up a game of Scrabble, passed for 223 yards, but with 3 INTs and no touchdowns. According to the ESPN writeup, before the second half kickoff a rabbit ran onto the field, blew through the Iowa State kickoff coverage and into the endzone, prompting Baylor coach Art Briles to tender him a scholarship offer. Okay, I added that last part.

Kansas State 62 - Texas A&M 14
Good freaking grief. The only thing I can think of is that Will Smith pulled out that little flashy thing from Men In Black and completely erased the minds of the A&M football team, wiping out basic motor skills in the process. After an Aggie fumble on the second play of the game, the Wildcats quickly jumped out to a 17 – 0 first quarter lead, and went to the locker room up 38 – 0 at the half. Now, if you are a coach, what kind of motivational speech do you give when you are getting completely donkeypunched on the road? Apparently it went something like this, “Okay, we’re going to go out there and kick the ball deep. I want everyone to get out of their lanes, and show me a whole bunch of shoulder tackles, and let’s see if we can’t let them take one to the house.” For once, the Aggie team followed the game plan, leading to Brandon Banks’ 97 yard kick return to open the second half. Even the seemingly secure Jerrod Johnson who had gone 242 pass attempts without throwing an interception decided he would be extra generous, throwing three picks and getting sacked six times. But the good news, according to the announcers, is that this is a young team, which means they will be around for three more years…

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Story courtesy of psychoag at www.raiderpower.com