WEAKLY RETORT: WEEK 4

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Introduction:

Well, we are moving right along and the games are getting better and the weather is getting footballier. This is perfect, because yards are starting to go dormant, giving us more free time on the weekends, proving that God loves us. The national championship picture is getting more muddled as top ranked teams are dropping like hip hop albums. But while it is still a little bit warm outside, let’s strap on our swim fins and snorkel through the Big XII.

20/20 Hindsight:

Missouri 31 - Nevada 21
Missouri quarterback Blaine Gabbert knew he had some big shoes, and some big nostrils to fill after the graduation of Chase Daniel. And so far, at least on one of those accounts, the sophomore has struck gold, leading the Tigers to a 4-0 start. In this game, Missouri (who I refuse to call Mizzou because it is stupid) racked up almost 500 yards of offense, but seemed to have trouble finding paydirt as they settled for four field goals and actually trailed 13 – 12 early in the second half.

Kansas 35 - Southern Miss 28
What an odd week for Kansas fans. In a rumble that would have made Rita Moreno proud, Jayhawk faced off against Jayhawk as a series of major fights broke out between the football and basketball teams. I have no idea what the fight was over, but apparently tensions where high due to some postings on Facebook. Still, I can’t imagine it being much of a fight when a 80 man roster of some 300 pounders square off against a 20 man squad of tall skinny guys. I think a cage match between Self and Mangino would have been far more interesting.

Texas 64 - UTEP 7
Longhorn quarterback Colt McCoy was able to shake off the bovine flu to lead his team to a flagrant case of indecency with a group of Miners. The Longhorns outgained the Miners 639 yards to 53, holding them to 1 of 12 3rd down conversions, leading UTEP coach Mike Price to proclaim the Longhorns “the best team in the county”. That is certainly one way to spin it. Another is “we suck”.

Kansas State 49 - Tennessee Tech 7
KSU kick returner Brandon Banks made history Saturday by returning two kickoffs for touchdowns in the same game against kickoff covering powerhouse Tennessee Tech. I’m certainly not saying that his feat was easy, but when asked how he did it, Banks answered in Forrest Gumpian fashion “I just ran the ball. The other 10 guys on the team blocked real well.” In the part of the game that didn’t involve kick returning, the Tech offense never got anything going at all, piling up a mere 107 total yards, including -19 rushing. Apparently their 10 guys didn’t block worth a crap.

Texas A&M 56 - UAB 19
Aggie quarterback Jerrod Johnson puts up major numbers against the 118th ranked pass defense throwing for almost 300 yards and 3 TDs, and adding another three scores on the ground. This with his top receiver and top running back on the sideline. However, the Aggies newfound offensive explosion require some tempering, given that it has been done against New Mexico, Utah State, and UAB, teams that are a combined 3 – 9. Getting excited about this offense is on par with bragging to your drinking buddies that you can draw a better unicorn than your four-year-old daughter (which I can’t). Still, in Aggieland, we are looking for a glimmer of hope. And despite the fact that we have started off 3 – 0 three of the last four years, this year somehow seems different. Just like all of the other ones.

Nebraska 55 - ULaLa 0
The Huskers of Corn celebrated their 300th straight sellout on Saturday, cementing the fact that there is absolutely nothing better to do in Nebraska than violate someone for 3 hours and then hand them a large check. In the “odd stat of the week”, the Ragin’ Cajuns someone won the time of possession battle 30:03 to 29:57 despite getting beat 55 – 0. I think I’ve already given more thought to this update than the Cornhuskers had to give on game planning.

Oklahoma State 56 - Grambling State 6
Why was this game played? What did either team gain from this? In a perfect example of breaking from the “saying what you are supposed to say” tradition of player interviews, OSU quarterback Zac Robinson opined, “ It’s hard sometimes against these types of teams when everybody says you’re supposed to win. You can get caught kind of playing down to their level. We focused on all week just going out and pretending like we were playing a big opponent.” Yeah, well I bet you didn’t win halftime. Oooh, burn.

Iowa State 31 - Army 10
The Iowa State spread offense found its legs as the Cyclones balance 175 yards in the air with 201 more on the ground, leading to a 31 – 10 victory over Army. The Black Knights were able to score their lone touchdown by throwing a 5 yard fade into the end zone to 6 foot 10 receiver Ali Villanueva, who was covered by a 5 foot 9 cornerback. And before you think, “Man, that’s just too easy”, understand that they had tried the SAME PLAY on first and second down with no success. After the game, the overmatched corner Kennard Banks said, “Everybody is coming together. We’re starting to understand what we need to do to win now.” That, of course, being “play North Dakota State, Kent State, and Army.”

Houston 29 - Texas Tech 28
It was a tough week in Raiderland. First, the Raiders are able to mix a little run in with their offensive cocktail and show success on the ground to the tune of 163 yards. And I must admit, watching Tech run the football looks almost as odd as naked people with shoes on. But they simply couldn’t outlast the Cougars, due in part to a much criticized call by Mike Leach to go for the touchdown on 4th and goal from the one yard line instead of kicking the field goal to go up by 8. This handed the Raiders their second loss in a row in a season where many hoped to build on the success from last year. Secondly, word came out earlier in the week that offensive lineman Brandon Carter had been stripped of his captaincy and suspended indefinitely for undisclosed reasons that many feel may have had to do with postings on his Facebook account. The RoadWarrior lookalike apparently said something that rocked the Pirate Ship and many are anxious to see how this affects the team.

Baylor 68 - Northwestern State 13
The Baylor Bears continued their exorcism tour as they drove out the Northwestern State Demons 68 – 13, two weeks after shocking the Demon Deacons at Wake Forest. The Bears scored 27 points in each the second and third quarters, however they went for two early in the third quarter (and failed) in lieu of kicking the extra point in order to avoid a potentially uncomfortable score, and one that would have no doubt been a violation of their student handbook. Unfortunately, it looks like the Bears will have to face a few demons of their own after word is coming out that standout quarterback Robert Griffin will miss the remainder of the season with a torn ACL. After having gone through a torn ACL and the

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Story courtesy of psychoag at www.raiderpower.com