WEAKLY RETORT: WEEK 5

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Introduction:

This week was definitely sucky, if I may use a word that Microsoft Word keeps wanting to replace with sulky, which I suppose is also correct. First, the Aggies rolled into their first of ten matchups with Arkansas and got their hindquarters served up on a rotisserie, more on that later. I will admit that Jerryworld is a strange venue for a college football game. I don’t know if it was the eerie artificial lighting that I swear is because they must be using those squiggly light bulbs that Al Gore keeps telling everyone to use or else the polar bears are going to get hemorrhoids or something like that. Maybe it was the overcast rainy day that completely ruined any semblance of tailgating. Or maybe it was just the fact that my team jumped out to a lead and then doodied their sheets that put me in a foul mood.

Of course, the Cowboys didn’t help things. Normally, I can count on them to bail out the sports-weekend by winning when the Aggies lose. Instead they went up to Denver and got Mile High clubbed over the head in a game that almost made me wish we had Jessica Simpson back. Almost. At least the mention of her should help this pop up in some Google searches, much to the chagrin of the US Magazine aficionado that has no interest in what I have to say about sports. So, with all of that said, let’s grab our turkey basters and get ready to Octomom.

20/20 Hindsight:

West Virginia 35 - Colorado 24
The Buffali resume their trend of heading in the wrong direction as they seek the 10-win treasure that Coach Dan Hawkins promised the Colorado faithful. At least when Christopher Columbus went to the wrong place, he discovered a new world. The best that Colorado can hope to find is a bowl season sitting at home eating cranberry sauce that is still in the shape of a can because their grandmother was too lazy to even cut it into slices. The fact that Dan Hawkins’ son is the starting quarterback won’t make the meal even slightly uncomfortable now will it? As for the game itself, West Virginia found success on the legs of Devine. No, not the drag queen.

Noel Devine, the running back who torched the Colorado line for 220 yards, including runs of 77 yards and 56 yards. Meanwhile, Cody Hawkins, despite throwing two touchdowns, also tossed three interceptions, no doubt relegating him to the kids table eating macaroni and cheese and jello instead of turkey and dressing, a detail I included only to see how many commas I could fit in one sentence.

Kansas State 24 - Iowa State 23
Never has there been so much drama with so little interest, unless you count the whole Jon minus Kate divided by eight saga. The two Big XII North powerhouses squared off at Arrowhead stadium in front of a paltry crowd of 40,000 causing the two athletic directors to rethink the two-year deal, or at least consider promising a guest appearance by William Hung and a free flu shots next year. But for those that showed up, they actually got to see a pretty exciting game. No team led by more than a touchdown at any point, and the play of the game was after Iowa State scored with 32 seconds remaining to seemingly tie the game, only to have the extra point blocked. FAIL.

Texas Tech 48 - New Mexico 28
The Red Raiders struggled early in this game, going into the half with only a 14 – 7 lead. Starting quarterback Taylor Potts threw two interceptions, one returned for New Mexico’s only score of the half. But after two hard sacks, Taylor Potts seemed to be a bit seasick aboard the pirate ship and so he was lifted for Steven Sheffield who was handed the giant wheel with all of the handles on it. You know what I mean. Sheffield came in and took care of business, throwing for 238 yards and three touchdowns. And despite the obvious pain in Potts’ eyes and the field sobriety test they were giving him on the sideline, Mike Leach still took a cue from the Iraqi Information Minister, claiming that there were no injuries.

Baylor 31 - Kent State 15
To show you just how bad Kent State is, they get more than doubled up by Baylor, who was playing with their 3rd string quarterback. The Bears got outgained on the ground and in the air, but won the turnover battle and ultimately the game, which is really the only statistic that matters unless you are playing fantasy football. Speaking of, I have finally given up fantasy football. I got so tired of watching games, not caring so much who won, but hoping that this player would score three touchdowns, and that player would throw two interceptions, and this other player would stop eating his boogers. And for the record, you there in the office, NOBODY cares how your fantasy team did. Especially the people that aren’t in your league. Please don’t come by my desk and tell me how you picked up Orville Pigstumper off of the waiver wire and he scored 3 TDs and you beat “The Nas-T- Boyz” 127 – 123. Nobody scores that many points in a game, not even Tech. You want to know my fantasy football? It’s called a playoff.

Arkansas 47 - Texas A&M 19
The Aggies came out of the gate with guns blazing, which is a metaphor that makes absolutely no sense. But after a couple of early missed opportunities, Johnson and the Aggies went completely flaccid as the Razorbacks began to pile on the points heading into half time. Jerrod certainly looks like he will be a solid quarterback, but he is going to have to get some protection from his offensive line. The poor left tackle struggled all night long and I’m sure there is nothing for the psyche like replays of you getting abused on a screen the size of Noah’s Ark.

Miami 21 - Oklahoma 20
In what was probably the best game of the weekend, the Sooners travel to Miami where they fall to the Hurricanes. Miami did everything wrong in the first half, including throwing picks on the first two drives, which apparently was quite amusing as Hurricane quarterback Jacory Harris was seen laughing on the sideline. Perhaps he was just giggling that the game was being played in a stadium named after a bad Saturday Night Live sketch.

The Hurricanes also downed a punt inside the one, and then gave up a 48 yard run on the next play. But the tide quickly turned in the second half as the wheels started to come off of the Sooner Schooner. Some other stuff happened that I didn’t see because I was at the A&M game, but the importance of the win certainly wasn’t overstated by Miami coach Randy Shannon, who said, “Big, huge win for us. It’s huge.” The Sooners hope to have Sam Bradford back before the start of Big XII play, and I do too because he lends himself to some really good jokes.

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Story courtesy of psychoag at www.raiderpower.com