WEAKLY RETORT: WEEK 3

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Introduction:

This week brought us the joy of the first game of conference play, a close matchup of ranked opponents, and another week of otherwise paintdryingly boring nonconference games. Still, with each passing week, we get closer and closer to full-on conference schedule, which means I only have to think up six witty comments each week. Have I mentioned before how much I hate pansy nonconference games? Almost as much as I hate spiders, In fact, I hate just about everything with eight legs. And that includes barbershop quartets and a dinner party with Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians. If you want a see a spider get his butt whipped by a wasp, check this out. But if you want to get a vague idea about what happened in the Big XII this past weekend with about as much sports information as SNL’s Weekend Update has news, then keep reading.


20/20 Hindsight:

Kansas 44 - Duke 14
Jayhawks quarterback Todd Reesing leads a route of the Duke Blue Devils as he throws for 338 yards and a trio of touchdowns, while adding another 51 yards on the ground, in an effort that led to him referring to last Saturday as “the greatest day he’s had all year.” Unless you count that one Tuesday back in March where he Out-Whataburgered Coach Mangino. I mean, come on, that’s saying something.

Missouri 52 - Furman 12
The Tigers pop open an icy cold six-pack of touchdowns, including four in the second quarter alone, as they make short work of an unfortunate team whose name sounds like something on Glen Quagmire’s license plate.

Colorado 24 - Wyoming 0
How bad had things gotten in Colorado? Apparently Marcus Burton, the senior captain, was called out in class by a geology professor. I can only imagine what witty gem was hurled toward the beefy linebacker. “You may think you are igneous, but lately, your play has been nothing but sedimentary. Hahahahaha. Bully for me. Oh, I so love rocks.” But they were able to get their first win of the season against Wyoming, whose two claims to fame are being the sort-of home of Dick Cheney, and almost leading the Longhorns for half a game.

Oklahoma 45 - Tulsa 0
The two secrets to surviving life without your Heisman-candidate quarterback are 1) don’t allow the other team to score and 2) play Tulsa. I’m really not sure which seemed more out of place, the Tulsa offense or their mascot, the “Golden Hurricane”. I’m pretty sure the only other more mismatched mascot to its location is the Utah Jazz. Short-timer backup redshirt freshman Landry Jones, who is one “u” away from actually being a red shirt, sets a school record with 6 TDs.

Virginia Tech 16 - Nebraska 15
Air Husker runs into a bit of a roadblock (okay, that doesn’t make sense, but I am leaving it) as the Hokie defense holds them to 11/30 passing with only 136 yards and two interceptions. Yet, still the Cornhuskers were able to stay in the game, even while staying out of the endzone, on the leg of kicker Alex Henery, who booted five field goals, despite having to carry the weight of the extra “e” in his surname.

Connecticut 30 - Baylor 22
The Baylor Bears, a team that everyone picked to be a rising star in the Big XII South came crashing back down to the town from Footloose as they fall to the UConn Huskies.

Oklahoma State 41 - Rice 24
The OSU Cowboys got their revenge by beating up on the other team from Houston, and the only college named after a food that I know of. The game was played in Stillwater at T. Boone Pickens Stadium, which sounds like a made up name from a spaghetti western to me. Still, my former former boss the sportstard went there and I relish in the fact that he is not enjoying the win because he probably has no idea it is even football season.

Texas A&M 38 - Utah State 30
The Aggies rolled out to a comfortable lead behind the tandem of Jerrod Johnson and Uzoma Nwachukwu, a name that totally rocks in Scrabble and is actually easier to pronounce than former runningback Jorvorskie Lane’s. Unfortunately, it got very dicey in the fourth quarter as Utah State scored twice with just over five minutes to play and actually recovered an onside kick with a chance to go down and tie. I’m sure the tension in the stadium was not adequately conveyed via my Blackberry as I sat and watched the screen refresh in 30 second increments, however I simply could not endure the mental gymnastics required to follow a game called by Dave South where both teams are the Aggies.

Iowa State 34 - Kent State 14
In a game that had more turnovers than that little mirrored shelf at Arby’s, the Iowa State Cyclones finally broke their road losing streak by taking down the Kent State Golden Flashes. Other than that, nothing really all that interesting happened. Seriously. Even the guy from ESPN that wrote the game summary could only manage a couple of paragraphs. And he’s a professional.

UCLA 23 - Kansas State 9
My how the mighty have fallen. Despite the return of “Juco Aficionado” subscriber Bill Snyder, the Wildcats are looking more like the LOLCats as they continue to struggle, dropping to 1-2 on the season.

I have a feeling that for KState fans this is kind of like getting back together with your ex-girlfriend, only she has gained about 40 pounds, has a moustache, and suddenly won’t shut the hell up about Scientology.

Texas 34 - Texas Tech 24
In a game where everyone expected fireworks, both teams went into halftime without scoring an offensive touchdown. In fact, even after all was said and done, the young lad from the centerfold of Musburger Weekly had a very pedestrian outing with the Colt throwing two picks and only one touchdown. I don’t know which is more disconcerting, the fact that Brent’s middle name is “Woody” or that he has an action figure.

After the game, McCoy chalked his poor performance up to missing practice with “flu-like symptoms”, while Tech quarterback Taylor Potts was able to put up stout numbers, passing for 420 yards and three touchdowns despite suffering from “roughing-the-quarterback-like symptoms”.

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Story courtesy of psychoag at www.raiderpower.com